Noon

 Hello,

My perception is a zoomed in version of life. And I view the way that I physically and emotionally respond to the world around me, but when I start to zoom out I see other people. Lots of people. People like ants shuffling about. The more I zoom out, the more the people look like ants surrounded by large plants. As I get farther away, I realize we’re on this rock with water and more so we’re suspended in space in an infinite universe. Here I stare at my face in the mirror and its clear the way my eyes have been manipulating things and my emotions have been walking me in circles. 

I say all this to mean, I think I’ve been taking life far too literally. A job is not a job until it’s done. It’s impossible to put into words what we feel because they fall on deaf ears not because of lack of empathy, but lack of consistency. I can say the same thing twice and mean different things each time. It’s like when I say I love you , and those words could never truly convey how i spend hours hating you and hours craving. Only I can understand what this love means. Only me. 

So all this to say that words are symbols with universal meaning but also vary amongst language and time. And we’re all animals speaking in code. 

This month has been good though. I spent time with family and then also had some alone time/ maybe too much alone time/ I’m not sure at what point one starts to go crazy. Although it’s been a good month and I’ve seen improvement in myself , humans seem to like patterns: and I guess I like this vicious pattern of high productivity and energy followed by an even longer period of low energy and productivity. I regress every time. I need real vacation like to a Thailand or something . Idk