September

The changing seasons have got me feeling all types of emotional. Fall is usually my most favorite time of year. I could literally go into labor at any moment. I'm having a hard time connecting to the moment. Not to my unborn child, because she's there and I feel her and I love her, but I kind of feel like I'm having an out of body experience in a way. Everything is happening but I feel like I'm watching it happen rather than actually experiencing it. I often feel this way. The only thing that makes me feel alive is spending time with my kids, not just spending time but actually being truly immersed in the moment with them.

I feel a strong sense of uncertainty. I know that not everything in life should feel so certain, but with a new baby coming in to the world I just wish for once I could have a grasp on things. Just this once. I just want to give birth in a state of mind that is at peace. 

I'm trying to hold it all together, for everyone. 

Women endure a lot. It's hard on us. We have to everything for someone else when we're not even whole ourselves. 

With September also comes my birthday. Tomorrow I turn 27. I miss that excitement I felt as a child the night before my birthday when I was a chid. I felt so anxious that I could hardly sleep. During the actual day of my birthday I had this giddy feeling all day long like I was queen of the day. It was kind of like magic. Just for one day a year, I felt on top of the world. The older I get it seems as though this magic has worn off. Here I sit, an hour away from my birthday and I feel nothing. I don't feel anxious or excited. I also don't feel sad to be getting older as many older people do. I just feel nothing. It feels as though tomorrow will be a regular day, and for the most part it will be. Some people may call or text me and tell me "happy Birthday" others may feel obligated to give me a gift, but it's nothing compared to that feeling of having a birthday as a child. Tomorrow will just be another day. 

I'm sorry this post has been ultra negative and depressing, but today was a day. Man, I'm sick of days.